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Lord Garth



U.S.S. Enterprise, NCC-1701
Captain’s Log, Stardate 7395.4

While on a standard survey of the Alpha Cygni star system, my senior staff and I have found ourselves transported to some sort of reconstruction of an ancient Earth courtroom.

"Jim, what the hell’s going on here?" McCoy snapped. "This is something out of Earth’s post-Atomic Horror era, isn’t it?"

Spock raised an eyebrow. "Indeed, Doctor." The Vulcan surveyed their surroundings. "It appears to be a Mandarin court, sir."

Chekov chirped, "Uh oh."

Sulu muttered softly. "They were the ones who did away with the ‘innocent until proven guilty’ sentiment."

Scotty gulped. "If I recall, they nev’r had it in the first place."

Uhura grimaced. "Actually, they had ‘guilty until proven innocent.’ And they lined up all their lawyers before a firing squad."

"Oh, swell," Ensign Torres moaned.

The bailiff pounded his staff. "All present, stand and make respectful attention to the Honored Judge Q."

Kirk looked at the far end of the courtroom, and entering the facility was a smiling humanoid, sitting in a chair mounted to an antigrav. The captain stepped forward. "I’m Captain James T. Kirk of the United Space Ship Enterprise representing the United Federation of Planets."

"Before this gracious court now appear these prisoners to answer for the multiple and grievous savagery of the species," intoned the bailiff. "How plead you?"

"Not guilty, your Honor," answered the captain.

The Judge—Q, it called itself—smiled. "This is a court of fact. Your presence here indicates your guilt."

"And what exactly are we guilty of, your Honor?" asked Spock, tilting his head.

Q leaned forward. "You can’t deny you’re a dangerous savage child-race." The crowd in the courtroom went wild in support of the judge’s statement.

Kirk smiled. "I don’t deny it. Hell, yes, we’re savage, but we’re trying to overcome it."

The judge looked confused. "Really? I hadn’t thought you’d admit that. Hmm." He raised a finger. "But you’re still a danger to the galaxy." The crowd erupted again.

As the din died down, Kirk shrugged. "Possibly, but isn’t everything else? We’ve encountered many forms of alien life that are equally as child-like, but are even more advanced and dangerous. Why not erase them from existence?"

Q smiled like a card player using his trump-card. "You were chosen."

Kirk lifted both hands in supplication. "If we were chosen, then that must mean we’re better than other the other races. But our experiences tell us we cannot be. So I submit to you that you’ve made an error!

A look of panic began to form on Q’s face. "You were chosen at random!"

Spock radiated disapproval. "That doesn’t sound very logical to me."

Q looked flummoxed. "The Q are not logical."

Kirk smiled broadly. "Neither are Humans..."

The judge looked haughty. "But we are superior, and you must be destroyed, for the good of the galaxy."

Kirk looked annoyed. "Then destroy us already! Why wait?"

Fury filled Q’s visage. "Because I’m having a good time!" he shouted in anger.

Kirk held his sides, laughing hard. "Really?"

The judge leaned forward, eyes blazing like supernovas in the dark void of space. Suddenly, they twinkled. "All right! All right!" he laughed. "You win!"

Q snapped his fingers, and the entire crew of the U.S.S. Enterprise found themselves at a luau. Chekov and Sulu were doing the limbo. Uhura was leading the congo line with Scott, McCoy, Torres, Rand, Nored and Cleary. Most of the men were wearing Hawaiian shirts and shorts. The women were wearing grass skirts, haltertops and leis, and everyone had a mai tai in their drinking hand. On the bandstand, Don Ho and his band were playing "Tiny Bubbles" in the background.

Although seemingly displeased by his current state of dress, Spock was impressed. "Fascinating, Captain. Instant teleportation? Advanced holography? Temporal displacement?" He cautiously sipped his mai tai.

A similarly attired Q slapped Kirk’s back. "Whaddaya think, Jimmy-Boy?"

Captain Kirk shook his head and laughed. "Well, at least it’s better than the last time I ran into an omnipotent being." Don Ho waved a greeting at him. "A lot better, come to think of it."

Q gasped. "What do you mean? You’ve run into omnipotent beings before?!"

Kirk answered, "Oh, sure. There’s the Organians..."

Q chortled in contempt. "A bunch of newbies."

Spock suggested, "The Metrons."


The Vulcan added, "Melkotians."


Kirk chuckled. "What about Trelane?"

Q considered the name. "Hmm. Trelane. Doesn’t ring a bell...Sorry!"

Kirk smiled. "He tried to put me into a courtroom, too!"

"And what happened with him?"

The captain laughed. "His parents came home and spanked him."

Q let loose a riotous laugh. "Well, that won’t happen here, Jimmy-Boy. Enjoy this little party; you’ve earned it. This has been very entertaining. I’ll have to try it again sometime."

Spock raised an eyebrow. "Won’t our reports on this encounter contaminate your next experiment?"

"Huh?" Q turned to the captain. "Can you translate for me?"

"He says our knowledge of you is going to ruin your fun next time."

"Nah," said Q. "I’ll just put you back in time to where I intercepted your ship in the first place."

"Isn’t that dangerous?" asked Kirk.

Q laughed. "Well of course it is! But I can handle it, I promise you. I am, after all, omnipotent you know."


U.S.S. Enterprise, NCC-1701
Captain’s Log, Stardate 7395.4

While on a standard survey of the Alpha Cygni star system, our sensors have detected humanoid life on the fourth planet of this system. However, probes indicate a complete lack of even atomic technology, and the Prime Directive comes into play.

Personal Note: I was going to put in for a shore leave request for the crew, but we’re all feeling so well, we’re going to proceed directly to Deep Space Station D-3 for resupply and perhaps a new assignment.


"Captain, a word with you, sir?"

Kirk was walking down the corridor to his cabin, and he turned when he heard Uhura’s voice. "Yes, Commander?"

"Sir, I found this in my quarters." She handed him a lei.

"I take it it’s not yours, Uhura?"

"No, sir. I’ve never been to Hawaii or a luau."

He chuckled. "Probably some sort of esoteric prank by your helmsman and security chief."

"I’ll kill ‘em," she said grimly, and spun around, heading the opposite way.

Kirk shook his head and entered his cabin. Sighing deeply, he rubbed his eyes and said, "Lights."

On his bed was a lei.

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