Rowena G. Warner
...and here he is, gentle beings, the host of The Now Show: Merv Davidson Carson!
The computer enhances and feeds through the PA system the applause from billion homes across the Federation to amplify that of the studio audience.
Merv
Thank you, thank you.
He drops a hand and computer cuts the added applause. The audience takes the hint and takes their seats.
I am going to forego my usual monologue and musical number, because tonight we have two very special people with us. We have been attempting to get these fascinating gentlemen to join us on The Now Show for quite some time, but they have always made themselves as scarce as Aldebaran shellmouths, and just about as talkative. However, as you shall soon see, they finally relented.
Some of you may not know the faces, but Im sure all of you will recognize the names of two men who have become legends in the annals of Starfleet and who are undoubtedly the reason the Federation survived the Kelvan War. Please welcome the two most important members of the U.S.S. Enterprise and Starfleet: Captain James T. Kirk and Captain Spock.
The computer overloads and almost short-circuits as it tries to handle the tremendous applause. Two men come from behind a curtain, solemnly shake hands with Carson, then stand side by side, hands clasped behind their backs. Each nod slightly to the studio audience as the applause threatens to deafen at least one of them.
Merv
Welcome, gentlemen. Please, have a seat.
He makes an unobtrusive gesture, and the applause dies down.
Its a real pleasure to have the two of you with us tonight. Tell me, Captain Kirk, what made you finally decide to take a break from chasing hostile aliens, and steer your ship to our little planet?
Both frown slightly.
Kirk
Captain Spock and I discussed the matter and have decided it is necessary to straighten out a few misconceptions. Hopefully, we can do so here tonight.
Merv
Exactly what "misconceptions" are you referring to, Captain?
Spock
We will elaborate in the ensuing conversation.
Carson is a bit non-plused for a moment.
Merv
Then you wish me to begin with the questions?
Spock
Please do. Bear in mind, however, that there are certain aspects of the recent war with the Kelvans that are off-limits due to security concerns.
Merv
All right...Ill start with you, Captain Spock. Even though its been a few years, everyone still has some questions about your miraculous "return from the dead" on the Genesis planet. Would you care to tell us about that?
Spock
Not really.
Merv
Come now, Captain Spock. Youve got to loosen up a bit. Dont be nervous.
Spock
Vulcans are not predisposed to that condition, sir.
Merv
Yes...well...whats it like being dead?
Spock
Uninteresting.
The studio audience chuckles.
Merv
(pushing)
What were your thoughts when you were taking that long walk to the engine room, knowing you were heading for a painful, agonizing death? Where there any doubts? Did you fully comprehend what you were about to do?
Spocks face is totally and absolutely expressionless. The audience is murmuring faintly. Although no words are audible, the tone is one of anger.
Kirk
(quietly)
I would suggest you change the subject.
Carson blinks at the two men, but recovers quickly.
Merv
Captain Kirk, it is common knowledge that you have a woman in every space dock.
Carson leans forward.
How do you handle so many?
The holocam misses Captain Spocks very brief smile.
Kirk
(sternly)
That is one of your misconceptions I should like to alter. I am as healthy as any man, but the rumor that I have a female on every known planet in this universe is not only ludicrousits preposterous!
Merv
Really?
He glanced at Captain Spock who arches an eyebrow and cocks his head.
Merv
Can you substantiate that, Captain Spock?
Spock
Sir, I do not pry into Captain Kirks personal affairs.
Merv
But I thought you and the captain were inseparable.
Kirk
Oh, come on now! I can feed myself and take myself to the head! Spock can also do those things alone!
The few people in the studio audience who happen to be looking at the Vulcan during that retort, think nothing when he bends to brush lint from his pant leg to hide a small smile.
Merv
But what about this legendary relationship?
Kirk
(eyes widening)
What legendary relationship?
Merv
Between you and Captain Spock.
Kirk
I would hardly call "friendship" legendary. Friendship is rather common, you know.
Spock
Indeed. Even among Vulcans.
Merv
But what about the other aspects?
Kirk contrives to look puzzled, while Spock arches a questioning eyebrow as Carson fidgeted.
Merv
You know what Im talking about. The other definitions of the Vulcan word thyla: friend, brother...lover.
Kirk
Oh, that! Well, if you have checked the logs you know that on several occasions I have referred to Captain Spock as my "brother."
Spock
Indeed. I have always concurred with such a cognomen.
Kirk
And one usually does love ones brother.
Spock
(adds significantly)
Most of the time.
Kirk
Precisely. There are times...
They exchange looks.
Merv
Im not talking about that.
He wiggles uncomfortable in his chair. He is very old-fashioned and did not want to ask these particular questions in the first place, but was overruled by the producer. He is angry about the giggles from the studio audience.
Merv
Does the work "love" enter into this at all?
Kirk
(confused)
In what way?
Spock
Please explain.
Merv
(heatedly)
You are doing this to me on purpose!
Kirk
(smiling)
No, we are merely attempting to illustrate that if we did truthfully answer the question you cant quite bring yourself to ask, it would not make one iota of difference.
Carson is frankly puzzled.
Spock
We have found that certain individuals have formed preconceived notions on this subject, and any attempt on our part toward a denial is futile. We are not lovers, but if some are predisposed to think we are, there is little we can do to change their minds.
Kirk
And since were both big boys now, I think we can handle it. Next question, please.
Carson is totally flustered. There is high-powered cheering from the PA which he allows to die down of its own accord.
Merv
Lets go into another line of questioning. Captain Spock, Im sure many people in the video audience wonder how you have managed to serve with us emotional Humans for so many years when you, yourself, are emotionless.
Spock
You are obviously not in possession of accurate data. I am not emotionless; I merely control my emotions.
Merv
Theres a difference?
Spock
Of course.
Merv
But you didnt always have emotions.
Spock
I have possessed them since birth. As a baby, I cried when I was hungry or when my trem was in need of replacing.
Merv
Your what?
Kirk
(chuckling)
His diaper.
Spock
You must understand that emotional control is not a genetic characteristic. It is achieved through intense, rigorous training which begins in early childhood.
Merv
But why go through something like that?
Spock
(arches an eyebrow)
Why not?
Carson ignores that.
Merv
Do you feel you have a "grown" over the years?
Spock
I certainly hope so. If one does not mature and adapt to change, one stagnates. I now understand and accept the fact that there are beneficial qualities to be found in both Human and Vulcan cultures.
Merv
And how do you feel about these changes, Captain Kirk? Do you work together better because of them or do they adversely affect your relationship?
Kirk
Thats a rather difficult question to answer because Spock and I have always worked well together. You must remember that we have known each other for nearly thirty-five years and have served together aboard the Enterprise during much of that time. Spock and I have changed in how we relate to each other and also how we relate to ourselves, but such changes have taken place gradually. Over a span of years, Ive learned a lot from Captain Spock. Id say the most important thing he has taught me is that it makes no difference what race we are or how old we are...
Kirk glances at the Vulcan, and the audience suddenly has the feeling they werent paying close attention and missed something important.
Kirk
What we have to keep in mind is that each of us is a unique individual. I cant be Captain Spock, and he cannot be Captain Kirk, but together we can form a unity.
Spock
(obviously surprised)
You learned such from me?
Kirk
(grinning)
Indeed.
There is a twinkle in Captain Spocks eyes as he leans forward and faces Carson.
Spock
That, sir, is how rumors get started.
The studio audience roars with laughter, and Carson joins in. He calms down and looks at them intently.
Merv
So, in essence, what you are saying, Captain Kirk, is that separately you and Captain Spock are unique individuals, but together you are symbolic of the Vulcan philosophy of IDIC.
This observation obviously pleases them immensely. It also pleases the audience.
Merv
Well, gentle beings, we have to take a break now so the planetary networks may identify themselves, but well be right back.
*****
Merv
Welcome back. In case you have just joined us, we have with us tonight Captain James T. Kirk and Captain Spock of the U.S.S. Enterprise. Captain Kirk, in your years of command aboard the Enterprise, approximately how many Klingon and Romulan ships could you be credited with destroying?
Kirk
I wish I could say "none", but unfortunately, that is not so. I have been forced to destroy a few and the last was no easier than the first.
Merv
But the Klingons are our enemies. They should be destroyed, shouldnt they?
Spock
In the war with the Kelvans, the Klingons were instrumental in helping save the Federation and the galaxy.
Merv
Its been noted that they have since expanded into the decimated systems that once belonged to the Gorn Confederation, and there are reports of atrocities. Shouldnt we go in with our forces and put an end to their aggressive imperialism?
Spock
One does not commit destruction unless there is no alternative, and in such an instance, one should not derive pleasure from doing so. It is hoped this important factor sets the United Federation of Planets apart from the Klingon Star Empire.
Merv
You mean you could watch the Klingons maim and kill, yet you wouldnt take pleasure in wreaking revenge?
Spock
Unfortunately, I am susceptible to such a barbaric state, but that does not make it right.
Kirk
(angrily)
Listen, you are twisting his words. It will be a long time before any of us mature to the point where we would not seek revenge against unmitigated acts of violence. We have never fired on a Klingon or Romulan ship in Federation territory until they have been given every opportunity to explain their presence, and until we have exhausted all other possibilities.
Merv
But isnt this taking a big chance? Wouldnt it be better to destroy them before they have a chance to destroy you?
Spock
(rather sharply)
I have never understood the penchant of some Humans to "shoot first and ask questions later." When one is dealing with phasers and photon torpedoes, there is little opportunity for subsequent inquiries.
Merv
But the Klingons are a vicious race. Were never going to make friends with them.
Kirk
The Organians think otherwise. And as Captain Spock pointed out, we have worked together on occasion for a common cause as we did in the Kelvan War.
Spock
Indeed, and in comparison to the Organians, we and the Klingons both are quite barbaric.
Kirk
Yes, we have a long way to go to reach maturity, and perhaps while we and the Klingons are growing separately, we will grow together.
Merv
An interesting idea, Captain Kirk, and one that I can safely say all of us would like to see transpire. Let me ask you something and I direct this to both of you. I will admit that we who are not members of Starfleet jumping around the galaxy at warp speeds, fighting Klingons or Romulans, or coming in contact with new civilizations, tend to think of all this as very exciting. But just how much of this actually comprises your time? Do you ever get bored?
The starship commander and first officer exchange amused glances. Kirk makes a gesture for his friend to go first.
Kirk
The captain and I have discovered a way to defeat boredom: we play chess. (jerks a thumb) He usually wins.
Spock
On the contrary. Captain Kirk has a most unique manner of playing chess. During our first chess match at Starfleet Academy, he beat me. I had never been beaten by a Human at chess before.
Merv
What you are saying is there is time for recreation activities such as chess?
Kirk
A lot of chess. What the average person does not realize is that even with multi-warp speeds, it still takes us days to travel from one planetary system to another. This is where the condition of the crew is important. They not only have to work as a team in battle, but also in peace. Spock and I both can tell you this is often the most difficult assignment for a crew.
Spock
Indeed, and in this regard, I should like to clarify a phrase which you used in your introduction of the captain and myself: "the two most important members of the U.S.S. Enterprise and Starfleet." This is a fallacy, of course. There is no room for excess personnel aboard a starship, so each and every crewmember has specific duties and the slightest deviation from such will adversely affect the precise and efficient operation of the entire ship. Each of us is a part of the whole, and no one individual is any more or less important than another. The same holds true for Starfleet itself.
Merv
Captain Kirk, you were the Commander of the Kelvan Theater of Operations for Starfleet during the war. It was your skill as a tactician that led to the defeat of the Kelvans. Do you agree with Captain Spocks assessment?
Kirk
Absolutely! Our very presence here tonight proves this is a misconception which needs to be rectified. Do you ever see a yeoman from Engineering or an ensign from Navigation on a talk show? Never. Thats a mistake, and its up to individuals like Spock and myself to attempt to correct it. You should be interviewing the poor yeoman who had to keep the coffee coming to my office twenty hours a day during the final phase of the Kelvan war, not me.
Merv
(rather sharply)
That sounds rather contradictory coming from you, Captain Kirk, since you are so well-known throughout the Federation, not your yeoman.
Kirk turns red with anger and makes a motion to stand, but Spock lays a hand on his forearm. They exchange looks, and the Enterprise captain settles back in his chair.
Spock
(voice cold)
James T. Kirk did not ask for such recognition any more than I did. We do not enjoy the celebrity status, nor do we abuse it. It would have done neither of us much good to issue orders unless we had a crew capable of carrying them out with the utmost efficiency.
Captain Kirk is a proud man and such pride extends to his crew. In the years I have served with him, never once has he attempted to obtain credit for the actions of another. On the contrary, he has always exhibited the tendency to avoid accepting recognition for a particular action even when such recognition is properly due him. If you will peruse the personnel records, you will discover that the crew of the Enterprise has received more commendation than any other in the Federation.
This does not imply that our crew is more efficient, although this is highly probable. It does mean they are consistently recognized for their abilities, and this is important to the smooth operation of a starship. Captain Kirk, on the other hand, would not receive any commendations whatsoever unless another member of the crew cited him for such.
Captain Kirk has once again turned red, but this time it is not from anger. The studio erupts into applause as the audience takes to their feet and clapped mightily for several moments.
Carson appears to be in shock. Kirk leans close to Spock, and those who read lips in the video audience are surprised at what appears to be "Youre in trouble." The Vulcans faint smile only adds to their confusion.
Merv
(finally as the applause dies down)Well, Captain Spock, that was quite an awe-inspiring and spirited defense of Captain Kirk.
Kirk
And also a lot of bull.
Spock
(arching an eyebrow)On the contrary, Vulcans are prone to understatement, as you and Doctor McCoy are often quick to point out.
Audience laughs.
Merv
Captain, it appears that I owe both you and Captain Spock a sincere apology, not only for what I have said, but for some things I have not said. At least, in my case, you are achieving your purpose here tonight.
Now, we must pause once again, but stay with us. This is just getting interesting.
*****
Merv
We are back with Captain James T. Kirk and Captain Spock of the fabled starship Enterprise. Gentleman, I would like to ask each of you what I hope will be a provocative question. If you had the choice, who in Terran history would you like to be?
Two foreheads furrow in thought.
Kirk
Youre right; that is a provocative question.
They fall silent again until Kirk digs an elbow in Spocks side.
Spock
(quickly)I am perfectly satisfied with who I am.
Merv
(smiling)I can well understand that, Captain, but Im not going to let you off that easily. If you could become anyone in Terran history, real or fictional, and just temporarily, who would it be?
Spock
In that case, the answer is quite simple: Don Juan.
Merv
(eyes widening)
Don Juan!
The audience is totally silent in stunned disbelief.
Kirk
(chuckling)
Hes always been a romantic at heart.
Merv
(hesitantly)
Are you serious, Captain?
Spock
(leaning forward)
What do you think?
Merv
(holding up a hand)
Oh, no, Im not getting involved again!
Spock
In actuality, there are several individuals, both real and fictitious, who possessed qualities which I admire, but if my selection is limited to only one, then I would choose your ancient Terran artist, Vincent Van Gogh.
Merv
(surprised again)
Van Gogh!
Spock
Let me explain.
Kirk
Yes, please do. (scoots forward in his chair) This Ive got to hear!
Spock
Of all your Terran artists, past and present, Van Gogh remains as the one least understood by his contemporaries, and has continued as such to existing times. Even in todays society with its efforts towards progressiveness and idealism, he is still, for the most part, an alien.
Van Gogh painted with his "soul," not with his eyes; yet due to certain incidents in his personal life, the memory of him has been tainted by labels such as "mentally deranged."
Kirk
Certain incidents? The man cut off his ear! If you did that, Doctor McCoy would have you at a rehabilitation center before you could blink an eye!
Spock
And rightly so. I do not possess the passion and sensitivity which drove Van Gogh to create such masterpieces. Therefore, such an act on my part would be entirely incongruous with my nature.
Merv
If I remember my ancient history...didnt Van Gogh commit suicide? Doesnt that prove he was mentally incompetent?
Spock
Not necessarily. The wound in itself was not so serious as to result in death, but he had made a decision to die and therefore did so. I, too, made such a decision not long ago. Does that demonstrate that I am mentally incompetent?
Kirk
Yes! Crazy as hell!
Spock
Really, Jim...
Merv
Do you know if any of Van Goghs works still survive?
Spock
Yes. As a matter of fact, I instituted a search for a particular masterpiece. You have seen it, Jim; it hangs in my quarters. The work is very carefully preserved and is rather appropriately entitled "Starry Night."
Kirk
(eyes widening)Thats his? No one could be mentally deranged and paint like that!
Spock voices no opinion, but his smug look is saying "I told you so."
Merv
(grinning)Well, now that we have established your preference, Captain Spock, and I might add, learned something in the process, its now your turn, Captain.
Kirk
(looking uncomfortable)I was hoping you had forgotten about me.
Spock
(smiling)Turnabout is fair play, Captain.
Kirk
Well, would you accept it if I said I would like to be Captain Spock?
Spock
No.
The studio is again charged with laughter.
Merv
(also laughing)Is that who you want to be?
Kirk
(attempting to look downcast)
He wont let me.
Spock
I believe in Terran phraseology that is referred to as a "cop-out."
Kirk
All right. I do not have a specific individual in mind, but I would like to be a poet: Byron, Sandburg, Keatsany of them will do.
Merv
Why?
Kirk
Id like to have the ability to put the beauty of a sunset on paper, to fit words together in the pattern of a mountain, a new world, or three moons playing tag across a midnight sky. Just as Spock would like to create pictures with a brush, I would like to do so with my pen.
There is total silence for a moment, then Spock leans forward and speaks softly.
Spock
I object to Captain Kirks choice due to the fact that he already possesses such talent.
Kirk
Spock!
Merv
(looking like the Cheshire cat)By that, do you mean Captain Kirk has already written poetry?
Spock
Indeed. Several pieces.
Kirk
(in a warning tone)Spock.
Spock
You should ask him to recite a few lines.
Kirk
Now, thats not fair. Captain Spock is also an artist, which he did not mention. You didnt ask him to show any of his work.
Spock
I am not in the habit of carrying my hobby with me. You, on the other hand, always have yours available.
Merv
How about, gentle beings? Do you want to hear a poem from James T. Kirk?
The applause is thunderous.
Kirk
A certain individual will find life on the Enterprise quite difficult during our third five-year mission, I should think.
Applause increases in volume, as Captain Spock merely raises an indignant eyebrow at the threat.
Merv
Come now, Captain. You are being given the opportunity to possible launch yourself on a whole new career. I would really like to know if Captain Spocks opinion is accurate or merely prejudice.
This results in an arched eyebrow.
Kirk
(rather red faced)Okay, but I did warn you.
(clears his throat)
The Universe
Magnificent, endless
The abode of infinite specks of
Cosmic dust
I am one of these flecks of matter
A mere dot on the universal landscape
My body, being only mortal,
Cannot take me where I wish to go.
There is not time to transfer the
Galaxies
In the short span I am allowed
And yet...
My mind knows no bounds
It is my starship
Streaking to Andromeda and beyond
Reaching out to infinity itself
It can see new life forms
Witness the birth of new stars
From the death of old.
There is no planet it cannot orbit
No sun which can destroy it
With brilliant intensity
No black hole which may
Swallow it forever.
Yes, my body can travel only the
Width of a hair
On the cosmic head
But my mind reaches outward
Millions of light-years
Where no man...
Shall ever go.
His voice ends in a whisper and his head is bowed. There is silence. Carson does not even speak. Captain Spock sits with his fingers steepled. There is a smile playing across his lips, and finally his quiet voice breaks the silence.
Spock
And there are those who wonder why we are friends.
Carson begins to applaud. He is joined by the studio audience and gradually it builds, a sustained and rhythmic salute to both Kirk and Spock. One turns red and the other, a tinge of green. Cheers ring out as the two men turn in their chairs to face each other, and clasp hands in a handshake. The sounds gradually begin to decrease.
Merv
Well, gentle beings, we are just about out of time, and I would say its a good thing, too, because I dont think anything could top that. Gentlemen, it has been, indeed, a pleasure having you with us tonight.
Kirk
(in a tone of surprise)We enjoyed being here.
He turns to Captain Spock.
Now, arent you glad I talked you into this?
Spock
I really must differ with you on that point, Captain. It was I who persuaded you to attend.
Kirk
(grinning)Of course you did... not.
Merv
(laughing)We would like to continue that "discussion" on another show. Would you be willing to return?
Spock
It would be our pleasure, sir.
Merv
And next time we would be delighted if you brought with you a yeoman from Engineering or an ensign from navigation.
Kirk
That is a promise.
Merv
We have just about run out of time, gentle beings. Tune in tomorrow night when we have...
*****
The studio is quietly emptying, and the lights are being dimmed. Carson is now backstage with Captains Kirk and Spock.
Merv
I mean it, gentlementhank you very much for being with us tonight.
He shakes hands with each, then walks off into the soft glow. Kirk turns to his friend and grins.
Kirk
Well, we pulled that off, didnt we?
Spock
I am inclined to agree, Jim. I would estimate our percentage of success at 96.37%
Kirk
I didnt know you could be so funny!
Spock
(sighing)
I shall never understand your Terran humor.
Kirk
(grinning)
How many people would you say were watching?
Spock
Approximately 950 billion, I should say.
Kirk
(choking)
950 billion? Damn! Im glad I didnt ask you that before the show!
Spock
(eyes twinkling)Indeed. You might not have been the cool, witty, and charming individual who I have come to know and appreciate.
Kirk
(pointing a finger)You had better be careful, my Vulcan friend; you are treading a thin line as it is. Just wait until we get back to the Enterprise.
The Vulcan merely nodded and follows the captain of the Enterprise from the building.
Spock
Where are we going?
Kirk
I know this little café just around the corner which has the best...
They continue into the night, but if one listens intently, one can catch a wisp of..
Van Gogh! Spock, you never cease to...
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