written by Theodore Sturgeon
FINAL DRAFT, dated October 14, 1966
with revised pages dated October 18, 19, 21, 1966
report & analysis by David Eversole
Of 60-some pages in this script, there are perhaps five
pages at most that have not been revised. Legend has it the revisions continued right
through shooting with Gene Roddenberry doing uncredited on set rewriting as the filming
was going on about him. Though I have not read Mr. Sturgeon's original draft, I have heard
that it included many set pieces that would have wrecked the budget, not to mention the
fact that they were nigh onto impractical -- a three ring circus, a dance held planetside
with numerous personnel participating, robotic arms levering up out of the ground to drag
dead bodies below, rampaging elephants, etc.
With the constant last-minute revisions, there is little in this script that did not air.
The mission the Enterprise crew is just coming off of was referred to as "the Treblenk mission."
McCoy's line, "I got a personal grudge against that rabbit, Jim," is not scripted.
Finnegan, Kirk's tormentor from the Academy, is written as much more contemptuous and cruel than Bruce Mars played him. The lines are the same, but mention is made of the ugly, snide, sinister way Finnegan delivers them.
A NOTE to the director asks that any slow motion shots called for in the original draft be dropped. The note also asks that any special lens used to shoot the Rabbit, Alice and the Black Knight, as called for in the original draft, be dropped, lest viewers think Kirk and company are hallucinating these items.
Ruth calls Kirk "Jimmy" throughout their
Sulu's written line as Spock beams down is "Someone beaming down from the ship." Obviously George Takei misspoke and said "Someone beaming down from the bridge" in the aired version, and it was not caught, or no one thought it worth looping over.
Just before they encounter the Black Knight, Don Juan makes his first onscreen appearance:
ANGLE - TONIA
managing a small smile. She moves a bit to the side of the tree, nervously - and suddenly . . . the Don Juan character leaps out and grabs her. She thrashes at him screaming wildly.
McCoy leaps at the man, battle to protect Tonia.
ANGLE ON McCOY AND TONIA
McCoy, breathing hard, has beaten off Don Juan, who is fleeing. Then McCoy's attention is drawn by HOOFBEATS and he turns to see:
The rest is as aired, with McCoy being killed by the
Black Knight. Interestingly, this deleted scene does appear in the preview trailer for
Fans have often wondered whether Angela Mary Teller Butros-Butros Ghali was killed by the strafing plane or simply knocked out by running fulltiltboggie into the tree. In the script, there is no doubt that she is dead, so I assume the intent was that she was strafed.
In the aired version we do not see Rodriguez again until the end. In the script, he rejoins his comrades just after Kirk chases after Finnegan for their final showdown.
ANGLE - GLADE EDGE
As Spock, Sulu and Tonia start to leave, Rodriguez runs frantically into view. Physically, emotionally, he is spent.
as Rodriguez approaches them. A dazed, vague look on his face, pointing:
The plane . . . we ran . . . it
dived on us . . .
Mary . . . Crewman Teller, she's
dead back there.
This cut scene would certainly explain how
Spock later knew Rodriguez had seen a tiger -- we can assume Rodriguez made a full report
Many scripts have simple fight scene narratives, assuming the professional stuntmen will work it out themselves. Not this one. The fight between Kirk and Finnegan is three pages long, described in exciting blow-by-blow detail. And shot very much as written, really.
Obviously, even at this late date it was still planned for there to be an elephant in the piece as this bit suggests. After Kirk and Spock get past the Samurai and the strafing plane:
PATH TO GLADE
Kirk and Spock run into elephant, escape.
In the aired version, blink and you will miss the fact that Mary Angela Martine Reeves-Stevens-Rodham-Clinton is back from the dead. A scene cut from the script reunites her and Rodriguez.
And . . . Mary?
The Caretaker steps aside, and Mary appears, hurrying, heading straight for Rodriguez.
Esteban. . . I've been looking
all over for you!
Unbelievingly he takes her hand, staring at her.
Those are the very few differences between
the script and the aired version, so you will understand if I don't have a critique. A
fun, enjoyable episode. Light, but with the occasional dark moment. To coin a phrase,
"Just what the
THEODORE STURGEON (1918-1985): One of the giants of twentieth century science fiction, he was born Edward Hamilton Waldo, but changed his name legally in adulthood. His first short story was published in 1939, and he wrote until his death. A very short list of his classics would include Mewhu's Jet, Occam's Scalpel, A Saucer of Loneliness, and Baby Is Three. He worked only briefly in television. For Star Trek, he wrote "Shore Leave" and "Amok Time." A third story, "The Joy Machine," was not produced, but was adapted to novel form by James Gunn in 1996. Sturgeon has been credited by the late Robert Bloch as the individual who recommended putting "miniskirts" on the female crewmembers and for coining the term "phaser." Other series he wrote for were Out There, The Invaders and Land of The Lost. He coined "Sturgeon's Law"--"Ninety percent of everything is crap."--when a newspaper reporter derisively said ninety percent of science fiction was crap. The Theodore Sturgeon Award is handed out yearly for outstanding short science fiction.
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