Randall Landers, Alex Rosen,
Thomas Harden & Don Harden
illustrations by Mel. White
a Star Trek parody
first published in Stardate 17, December 1982
Kirk pressed a button. "Captains Log, Stardate 86. The Enterprise is heading to...uh..." He thumbed the button, turning the log recorder off. He was proud that he could do that much. "Spock, where are we going?" Spock usually knew such things.
"To Starbase Twelve for the purpose of screwing around and just having one hell of a good time. Starbase Twelve is the nearest lay station, therefore, it makes sense we are going there. After all, its been two days since youve had a good..."
"Shut up, Spock! I know!" He continued his log. "...Starbase Twelve for R & R & X."
Oh, well, thought everyone on the bridge. So much for the hardest part of the day for the captain. But without warning, the flashing light on the nav-station began flashing.
"Body approaching, Captain," said Sulu.
"Configuration?" asked Kirk.
"34-24-36, sir," said Spock.
"Lets blast em," said Sulu as he turned to face Kirk.
The captain shook his head. "No, Mister Sulu. Even though theyre too puny, she might have a nice..."
"Shucks, I havent used the phasers yet this episode," said Sulu dejectedly.
"Spock, what kind of power system does her vessel use?" asked Kirk, ignoring the helmsman.
"It appears to be a pair of nylons wound tightly enough to provide hyperlight speed."
A ship appeared on the viewscreen.
"Scotty? Your opinion?"
"Och, its a verra lovely vessel. So lovely...its getting warm here, isna it? .. But they must be thousand of years ahead of us...Is the air conditioning broken? .. (pant, pant)...and nylon powr to boot. Aye, that ships a beauty!"
"It looks like a gray dildo," muttered Chekov under his breath.
Without warning, a green light appeared in the corner of the bridge.
"A transferral beam, sir," reported Spock.
"But she doesnt have a transfer coupon!" shouted Kirk.
A woman appeared, smiling at all of them.
"Cute trick," said Chekov.
Kirk looked at her admiringly. "And its kind of amazing how she got here, too." He stepped forward, smiling his renowned seductive smile. "Im available, er...Captain Kirk of the Enterprise.
She walked forward, smiled and pressed a button. All over the ship, everyone began to pass out without warning.
She walked over to Spocks station and took his head into her hands...after undoing his pants. She smiled.
On the bridge, Kirk and everyone else came to. But someone was missing. "Spock?" said Kirk. "Wheres Spock?"
A trilling whistle startled him. "Jim! Jim!" shouted McCoys voice from the speaker.
"Kirk, here," he said into the chair mike.
"Jim, get down here quick!"
"On my way," said Kirk. "Scotty, with me."
In Sickbay, McCoy and Chapel were hard at work...on each other.
Kirk rushed in with Scotty. "Er, uh, Bones?"
"Oh, Jim. Spocks..."
But he was interrupted.
"Tell me, Bones! Tell me about Spock!"
"Bones, QUICKLY!!!" Kirk interrupted again.
"His brain is gone!"
"Too much acid?" asked Scotty.
"No. Its been surgically removed. Its the biggest scatological miracle Ive ever seen!"
"Anything else, Bones?"
"Well..." McCoy procrastinated. "Hell not have to worry about his pon farr in a couple of years."
"Bones, I dont get it!"
"Jim, his head is gone, too!"
"But its on the table there connected to his body!"
"Not the one Im talking about, Jim."
"Oh." He turned to Scotty. "It mustve been that girl."
"Aye," said Scotty. "But its the worse case of penis-envy Ive ever seen!"
"That girl? Who do you meanMarlo Thomas?" asked Bones quizzically.
"She mustve took it," said Kirk.
"Taken, sir," corrected new First Officer Scott. He was the first officer now, and he knew it. It was his duty to correct bad grammar, among other things.
"Where did she go?"
"Lets go up to the bridge and find out, sir," said Scotty.
"Just a minute; Bones, get Spock ready for surgery."
"Jim? Forget it. I could keep him alive like this only eighty-six hours. Sorry about that, Captain."
"Well find it...them. Even if I have to force them out of her."
"I wouldna put it that particular way, Capn," said Scotty.
Captains Log, Stardate 86.69
We are following the alien to parts unknown by their nylon trails.
On the bridge, Kirk was pacing back and forth before the main viewing screen.
"Captain!" said Sulu, without warning. "There it is; a sudden elastic strip."
"Full sweep, Mister Sulu. Clean up the bridge before the Enterprise enters that system before us."
"How could the ship enter the system without us?" asked Scotty. "Logically, we will enter the system with the ship." He was getting lots of practice at being the first officer.
"Mister Chekov, identify that system."
"Its Sagan Erroneous," said Chekov. "A planetary system named after a television celebrity of the early 1980's. The planetary is noted for having variable planet members."
"Numbers 2, 3 and 7 are inhabited. Number Two is locked into a class AA rating on the Eveready Scale of Industrial Societies."
"1960' s to 1980' s. No, it couldnt be from there. Nylon power is far more advanced than portable radios."
"Number Three is locked into a class D rating."
"Hmm. Possessing only primitive flashlights. Nope, she didnt come from there."
"But Number Seven is glaciated!"
"Not even UL approved?"
"Lets think about this. None of these planets could possibly launch the aliens space ship."
"But one did!"
"So?" asked Sulu.
"So weve got to find which one!"
"Sorry about that, Captain. I forgot..."
"Captain," said Uhura from Spocks station. "Im detecting a throbbing sound from the seventh planet in this system."
"Like the beating of a heart?"
"Well," she said. "I suppose that it could be. But, I think it sounds sorta like somebody beating..." She paused.
"Not quite, sir. But youre not far off."
"Well, Kyptin?" asked Chekov.
"Lets beam down to Number Seven. I think we may have found a part of Spock."
On the glaciated planet, six figures materialized. Kirk, Scotty, Chekov and three security men had beamed down.
"Suit temperatures on 86," ordered Kirk. "Sensor scans."
"Capn," said Scotty, pointing to a flat rock wall upon which Freiburger Sux was painted. "David Gerrold mustve been here!"
"Unlikely, Scotty. Graffiti is a sign of intelligent life."
"Captain!" shouted a red shirted man. "Im detecting several men beyond those shrubberies!"
"Lets hope its the Knights of Ni," said another security man.
"Phasers on stun," ordered Kirk.
Behind the shrubberies, an ape man said to his Neanderthalic colleagues, "Clubs on maim. But remember, I want the Udders alive."
Kirk turned to his men. "Lets capture one of them."
Without warning, it began raining rocks. Kirk shot the nearest ape man with his phaser. As the neanderthal fell unconscious, the others fled. Kirk rushed to the side of the fallen one.
"You are not the Udders!" shouted the semi-simian.
"No. Who are the Udders?"
"Those with udders. You know, the givers of pain and delight. We call them the Udders."
"Oh," said Kirk. He thought the man was referring to cows. "How can cows give pain and delight?"
"Jim, have you ever had a glass of milk, or seen the horns of a bull?" asked McCoy.
"Illogical, Doctor," said Scotty. "This man has obviously not been gorged."
At the mention of horns, Kirk immediately remembered something. "What about women? Its been a while since I got..."
"You speak of strange words I do not understand."
"You know, women."
"You know, pus..."
"Yes, the females of your kind!"
"There are no females here."
"Oh, no!!" screamed Kirk Mister Bill-ishly.
"Captain!" shouted Scotty.
Kirk released the ape man who immediately fled in fear, and he went to the side of his first officer pro-tem.
"In here, sir. A whore house for our apeish friends."
Inside a cave was a number of sexual aids, birth control devices and pornographic literature. "No, Scotty. I dont think theyd be able to make this. Or even know how to use it properly." Kirk picked up a vibrator.
"Kyptin!" shouted Chekov.
"Way below us is a building foundation and a nylon power plant."
Kirk looked inside the cave again and saw two electric eyes.
"Kirk to Enterprise," he said after taking out his communicator. "Beam Spock and Bones down to us."
"Yes, sir," came Uhuras voice.
Two figures materialized. McCoy was holding a TI-5O calculator and pressing buttons. Spock began walking forward. "You sure you want his brain back, Jim? He works real good like this."
"Well, I dont think so," said Kirk. "Come on, get him inside the cave."
Kirk, Scotty, McCoy and Spocks automated body entered the cave, and without warning, the doors slid to. The room, actually an elevator, began to descend very quickly. Too quickly. After a few minutes of silence, McCoy spoke.
He looked at Scotty. "I think we ought to call Chekov and have my lunch beamed back down."
"Its right over there, Doc," said Scotty, pointing at Kirks very soiled tunic.
"Sorry about that, Captain."
"Salright, Bones. I usually get my shirts torn to shreds by the end of an episode anyway."
The elevators doors opened to admit them to a large hallway.
Before them was a voluptuous vixen who was about to press her bracelet when Kirk stunned her down without warning.
McCoy moved to her side and began a thorough examination.
"Shes healthy and has nice pair of..."
The girls eyes opened. "You are not Pro, you are not Am, you are not even Pro-Am!"
McCoy looked puzzled. "Androgyny?"
"What?" asked Kirk.
"What about what?" asked McCoy.
"You said something."
"No, I didnt."
"Yes, you did! You asked Androgyny?"
"I did not! I never ask anything! Remember?"
Kirk looked to heaven for help. "Anyway," he said to the woman. "Take us to Spocks brain and his..."
"Yes, you know! His brain and his..."
"I do not understand."
"Jim," said McCoy. "She couldnt understand! Shes got jelly for brains! Shes a stupid cow! Shes all screwed up in the head."
"In other words, shes plain dumb."
"Yep. About as dumb as a redshirt."
"Well, well take her with us anyway."
McCoy and Kirk began helping the girl to her feet.
"You know, Bones. Shed do nicely, dont you think?"
"No," said McCoy. "You dont know where shes been, or even whos been with her. You dont want a Sagan Erroneous Four social disease."
"But this is Sagan Erroneous Six!"
"I thought it was Sagan Erroneous Five!" said Scotty.
Without warning, two other women with bracelets had crept up behind them and pressed their buttons. Kirk and his landing party fell down except for the automated eunuch Spock who resembled a toy mannequin with two Band-Aids: one on his head, the other below his belly button.
Captains Log, Stardate 86.86
Sulu, reporting. Im so bored so Im dictating this in the official record. Captain Kirk has been out of contact for two hours while Chekov remains on Sagan Erroneous One conducting a wiener roast.
On the surface of the planet, Chekov turned to one of the security guards. "Pass the mustard, vwill you?"
Kirk and his landing team came to seated before four lovely women.
"You have something to say?" asked one of them.
"Yes, Im Captain Kirk of the Enterprise, and we want Spocks brain back along with his..."
"Oh, yes. You spoke to Luny of Brain. We have no brains here."
"I dont doubt that for one minute," said Scotty.
"Oh. May we speak to someone in charge? Your leader, maybe?"
"I am Leader Carrot; I am she!"
"Well, what about these?" asked Kirk, pointing to the device attached to the lower half of his body.
"You hurt Luny, and that is not permitted here."
"Well, excuuuuse ME! She wouldnt tell about Spock."
"Yes. You have his brain."
"Yes. Also his..."
"What is brain?"
"The brain is in your head. Its how you think."
"Thats how you know what to do."
"Stealing brains is what you do."
"Dammit, Im madder than hell, and Im not gonna take it anymore! Wheres Spocks brain?" Kirk leaped for Carrot. "Take us to it and his..."
She pressed a button on her bracelet. The belts caused a pleasureful vibration in their crotches.
"Now I know what he meant by delight," said McCoy.
She pushed another button, and the vibration grew painfully intense.
They clutched their crotches as they fell to their knees.
Kirk crawled to Carrot. "Please, I need you. I need to..."
"Now I know what he meant by pain."
"Theyre attached by some kind of magnetic lock!"
The three dolts moaned and squirmed in pain.
"Dont overdo it, fellas," said Carrot. "Theyve been turned off for the last two minutes."
Kirk caught his breath. "You...all right, Bones?"
McCoy looked up angrily. "All right, Jim. I was going to refrain from wisecracks, but if you insist..."
On the surface of the planet, Chekov turned to one of the security guards. "Pass the mustard, vwill you?"
"Hey, you already said that line!"
"Vwell, pass the keetsup."
The guard tossed the bottle, and it fell short, breaking on a rock and splattering Chekovs boots.
"Hey!" said the other guard. "This brand is thicker!"
"Theres nothing worse than sitting on a planets surface suffering from anticipation..."
Kirk, Scott and McCoy were slinking down the corridor. Their uniforms were slightly bloodied. "Well," said McCoy. "That was a neat escape. Too bad its not in the script.
"Well," said Kirk. "If it were wed get an R rating for sure. Were lucky as hell to skim by with a PG. "
They noticed Scotty playing with the knobs of his...communicator.
"What in tarnation are you doing, Scotty?"
"Im tryin to reach Mister Spock."
The captain and doctor laughed together.
"Scotty," said Kirk. "You dumb ass, you really think youre gonna get Spock on that? Thats the stupidest thing I ever..."
"Jim?" came a voice from the communicator.
"Spock? Is that...you?" asked Kirk overdramatically.
"Apparently, someone hasnt read the script," McCoy muttered under his breath.
"Ive been busy with some margarine commercials," muttered Kirk back.
"Jim..." said Spock. "Where am I?"
"Youre on Sagan Erroneous Five. Or at least your brain is. And your..."
"Nine!" Scotty interjected.
"Sagan Erroneous Nine."
"Sagan Erroneous Four," said McCoy.
Hold on Spock." Kirk pulled out his communicator. "Chekov, what planet are we on?"
"Gerrold Erroneous Two?"
"Four!" said a guard.
"One!" said the other.
Kirk turned the knob. "Enterprise. Sulu, what planet are we on?"
"Sagan Erroneous Twelve."
Kirk saw nods from Scott and McCoy. "Were on Sagan Erroneous Twelve, Spock."
"Were on Sagan Erroneous Seven, Captain."
"How did you know that?"
"I read the script...logically."
"I knew hed say that," said McCoy.
"Spock," said Kirk.
"Keep talking. Well try to follow your voice."
"Very well. But if you think this script is bad, waitll you see the one coming up about the space hippies!"
"Over that way!" Kirk pointed down the hall.
"Captain," said Scott. "Behind the green door."
"Are you sure?"
"Hell, I dont know."
"Thats good enough for me."
They started in but as the door opened, Spocks brainless carcass stood there.
"I was wondering whatever became of you," said McCoy.
"Bones, Scotty, were going to have to change the plan a little. Nobodys stupid enough to believe that were following his voice. Because its not attached to his mouth. Its with his brain and his...hell, Ive been interrupted so much, I dont even remember whats missing."
"Spock to Kirk, Spock to Kirk."
"Sorry you have the wrong number, Captain," said Sulu apologetically.
"My fault, Sulu." Kirk turned a knob in his communicator.
"Kirk here, Spock. Whats up?"
"You said my brain was removed from my body?"
"Well...yes. Your...uh...special purpose."
"Oh," Spock said calmly. "What would a woman want with that?"
"Beats me," said McCoy, rolling his eyes.
"Captain!" Scotty interjected. "Im pickin up high energy readings."
"Isnt that that new rock group?" asked McCoy.
"Who? The Three Mile Islanders with the guitars that glow in the dark?" asked Kirk with a smirk.
McCoy rolled his eyes upward to the ceiling and said, "No, Jim, the High Energy Readings."
"How high are they?" asked Kirk innocently.
Scotty led the group down a hallway, holding his tricorder ahead of them. They eventually came across a closed doorway with a television screen on either side of it.
"What do you make of it, Scotty?" asked Kirk.
"Im not sure, sir. The energy readins are coming from behind the green door."
"And theres no apparent way to get in. What about the television screens, Bones?" asked Kirk.
"Thats just the competing stations, Jim, and from the looks of it, theyre running some programs more interesting than what were doing now."
Kirk slipped open his wallet communicator and said, "Spock. Spock, are you there? Come in, Spock."
"Spock here, Captain."
"Spock, I think were getting closer to you. Scotty has traced high energy readings to a certain room, but the door seems to be closed with no apparent opening."
"Sure there is, Captain," interjected Spock. "See the little light on the wall off to the side of the door? Just wave your hand over it and the door will open. You know, like on Lost in Space. Whats the matter, Jim? I thought you knew all this stuff."
"Of course I knew," replied Kirk sarcastically. "Oh, by the way, we have these devices attached below our belly buttons, Spock. How do we get rid of them?"
"Dont jerk them off, Captain. Ill think of something in the meantime," said Spock.
"Youve triple-checked, Scotty...this IS the source of the energy reading?" asked Kirk.
"Aye. An its gettin intense."
"So is the audience," cracked McCoy.
"What was that noise, Bones?" asked Kirk.
"That was part of the Winchester ratings," said McCoy.
"Yep. Somebody at home just shot their TV."
"Guess youre right, Bones. We are moving along rather slowly."
Scotty interrupted, "Capn, Im now gettin a new reading. It seems that the room ahead of us is...an erogenous zone."
"Erogenous? That does it! Lets go in," decided Kirk. He always liked to make difficult decisions. Kirks communicator beeped. "Kirk here."
"Spock here, Captain. Its already been over a minute and the script calls for me to make yet another smartass remark."
"Okay, get it over with," said Kirk,.
"I just did."
"You just did what?" demanded Kirk.
"I did, sir."
"Spock, if you think thats gonna make this years blooper film, you have another thing coming," said McCoy.
"Really, Doctor? I thought it was pretty damn clever."
"Pass the mustard, vwill you?"
"All right, pass the vodka."
"Okay. Whatll we drink to?"
"To...ummm..." A look of tremendous contemplation was replaced on Chekovs face by one that meant he had thought of the perfect toast. "To Freiburger Erroneous Seven."
"I thought we were on Gerrold Erroneous One," said one security guard.
"Isnt this Sagan Erroneous Two-and-a-Half?"
"Just vwhere do you think you are, man?"
"We just told you."
"Ah...yes. Very vwell, to vvherever the hell we are?"
"Here, here!" cried the guards in chorus.
"That does it! Lets go in," decided Kirk.
"Sure, Ive heard that before," said McCoy in a very sarcastic tone as he stood there and watched Kirk throw himself against the doorway, expecting it needed to be broken open just as Scotty waved his hand in front of a light next to the door. The door slid open, and Kirk ran into the first object in the room with all his might, causing a large crash. He got up, brushed himself off, turned around and said, "You think youre so smart, dont you?"
"Aye, Capn." First Officering was fun.
"Captain, I guess that you must have found me because I have a strong sensation of pain."
Kirk looked around at the mass of crushed glassware surrounding a black box to which a few of the glass conduits were still connected.
"Oh, I get it," said McCoy.
"If you insist," said Carrot as she pressed the button of pain.
Three of the four figures in front of her fell to the ground. As one of the ones on the ground started to press buttons on what looked like some primitive computing device, the fourth started to move toward her. This one had such cute pointy ears, that she didnt realize he had released the other three from her control.
"Whew!" Kirk, McCoy, and Scotty chorused as the restraining belts popped their magnetic locks.
"Good thinking, Bones," Kirk said.
"Aye, that it was."
With all the Georgia accent he could muster, McCoy echoed their thoughts. "Damn straight."
Kirk knew exactly what to do. He went over to Carrot, who by now had broken free of Spocks grasp.
"All right, slut! I want some answers! And right now!"
She took a few steps back. "Answers? I dont know what youre talking about."
"Sure you do. You are the woman on the bridge. You stole Spocks...uh...parts. I want them back."
"Parts? Parts? What is parts? She had backed herself next to a wall that looked like a computer. Kirk hadnt destroyed a computer in a while, and needed this one to fill his quota.
"Lass, you mean What are parts?" Indeed, First Officer was the finest job in Starfleet.
"Jim, I know what you are thinking, out dont try the old I-can-outsmart-a-computer-into-blowing-itself-up play. Its the third time Ive seen you use it this month. Besides that, this computer is the key to my becoming a whole entity again. I believe in IDIC, but this is ridiculous." It was Spock on the communicator.
"Shut up, Spock!" shouted McCoy.
"Aye! Were tryin te rescue you!" agreed Scotty.
"Look, doll," began Kirk. "You carne aboard my ship and stole Spocks parts! Now how did you do it?"
"Doll? Im not sure I like that. But I do not know. I put upon my breasts the Great Trainer. It gave me the know-how as well as giving me full support and control with its cross-the-heart action."
"Hell, Jim! Let me give it a whirl," offered McCoy.
"Her first," said Kirk, shoving the bra-like device onto her.
It began to light up.
"No! No! I mustnt!" Her eyes unglazed. "Oh, baby--Oh, baby!" She smiled. "Thank you, Captain." She took it off, and pulled out a phaser. "I will stop you now with the knowledge you have brought me."
"Give me that!" Kirk ordered.
"OHHHH!!" moaned Scotty at such stupidity. It gave Kirk the time to take the phaser away and goose her.
"Now will you listen to me?" asked McCoy as he reached on the Great Trainer.
"You had better not," warned Spock. "Your chest configurations are different from hers. You could end up with a pinched nipple."
McCoy ignored the Vulcan, and strapped the training bra on. "Oh oh oh! This is so easy I could do it asleep!"
"Good! Since you usually operate that way," observed Scotty, snottily, since he was first officer.
"Im concerned about this devices effects on you, McCoy."
"Spock, Im a doctor. You know what that means?"
"Yes, Doctor, butI dont have two aspirin and will be dead by morning."
"Actually, I was going to say I dont make house calls, but that doesnt matter. Im going to have to operate."
"I knew you were going to say that. Bones, where are you going to get the proper surgical equipment?" asked Kirk.
"The prop man. Of course!"
"Hes operating at warp speed, Capn."
"Yes, Scotty, that pair of nylons sure did the trick."
McCoy was indeed wearing a pair of nylons, but these obviously were special. They had a pair of wires--one to each leg of the stockings--that were hooked up to the Great Trainer, at the nipples. And McCoy was indeed operating fast, faster than he had ever seen himself operate.
"Gimme that whatchamawhojit there," McCoy told Kirk, who was acting as the nurse. On examining the piece of equipment, he said., "Boy, Matt did a great job on these in such short notice. It certainly is better than a bicycle horn on a shoebox."
Kirk winced at the reference to an earlier parody.
"Doctor, do you need some assistance?"
"Shut up, Spock. I havent hooked up your voice yet."
"Oh, right...I was skipping ahead..."
McCoy operated for about three hours, linking up nerve endings upon nerve endings, out then suddenly...
"Capn, look at the doctor. Hes slowing down."
"Well, dont look at me like that. It had to happen sometime," said McCoy. "Im getting old...almost as old as this story is..."
"Not now, Bones," said Kirk.
"I can t help it."
"Doctor, do you need some assistance?" came a crackling voice from the table.
"Spock, just how much do you know about brain surgery?"
"Ive seen all of the Marcus Welby shows at least seven times each"
"You poor man," cried Scotty.
"and whose brain is it, anyway?"
"Come on, Bones, yield to the logic of the situation," said Kirk.
"I bet you say that to everyone in this type of situation. Jim. Youre caught in a rut."
"For Gods sake, Bones, just finish the operation."
"All right, all right. Right front forefinger."
"Check," was the response Spock gave as that nerve had been connected.
"Right middle finger."
Captains Log, Stardate 8969.69 - Sulu reporting.
Doctor McCoy is reinstalling Spocks brain to his body. The wiener roast has turned into a vodka party. One final note: where are we?
"Spock is as good as new," McCoy was genuinely pleased with himself.
"Almost, Doctor." Spock sat up and looked down the length of his body.
"OOOPS! I forgot! You still have yourI meana part missing."
"Thats quite all right, Doctor. I have never had much use for it anyway. I ignored it much as you do your own appendix. And these people seem to have put it to good use."
"Doing what?" inquired Kirk.
"Really, Captain, my modesty prevents me from saying what theyre using it for."
"All right, Spock. Ill respect your privates. But I do have a question. Where the hell are we?"
"We are on Sigma Draconis Six/Seven. The multiple numbers are due to a large eccentricity in the orbit of Sigma Drac Seven/ Six. The first number signifies the order of the planets most of the time. Sigma Drac itself is a KO star..."
"Well, it sure knocked us out. Which reminds me. Lets get to Starbase Three so I can knock up some female."
"...Bright star number 7462 in the Old Arizona-Ton"
"Shut up, Spock."
"Captain, you did ask."
Some things never change.
"Capn Hornblower, we must leave now. Our 52 minutes are up." Scotty still thought he was First Officer.
"All right, lets pick up the big vodka bash on the surface and head for Starbase Five."
"I thought we were going to Starbase Ten."
"No, we dont want to go there. All the women are dogs."
"So are the scripts these days. Lets go!!"
Free counters provided by Andale.
Click Here to Return to the Parodies
Click Here to Return to the Orion Press Index