Randall Landers
a Star Trek/Space: 1999 parody
first published in Stardate 7, December 1980
artwork by Melody Rondeau

Commander John Koenig of Moonbase Alpha sat at his desk in the underground command center. He was contemplating the incredible number of habitable worlds they had encountered in the past two years. Unfortunately, all of them had been inhabited by aliens, and he knew better than to settle on a planet with them.

"Commander, scanners detect some sort of energy field occuring here in the command center," reported Maya, the resident alien science officer.

"Damn it!" cursed Koenig as usual. "Sound Red Alert."

First Officer Tony Vedeschi pressed the button. "Activate the defense shields, arm all lasers, launch fighter eagles!"

"John, what is it?" asked Doctor Helena Russell, running into the command center.

"I don’t know. Maya?"

"Still working on it. It seems to be some sort of transferal beam."

"Security to command center. Send in the purple-sleeved guys on the double," ordered Koenig.

"They’re on their way, John," said Vedeschi.

A figure materialized before them. "Tut, tut, this shan’t do at all." And the figure disappeared. Little did they realize, so did the moon.

"Commander," said Maya, "I’ve indications of a positional change." On the viewscreen was Earth.

"Conmander, we’re approaching Earth!" said Officer Sonya Benes. No one really knew what she did except point out the obvious.

Koenig turned to the screen to see Earth, but a spacecraft was also visible. "Arm all lasers! It must be an alien trick! Commence fire!" shouted Koenig as he realized that it was travelling faster than light.

"That’s a good idea, Skipper," said Alan Carter. He was a pilot, a security officer, a radiation expert, an engineer and a janitor all rolled into one. "It’s probably those melted marshmallow people with their green gooey glop dripping all over them and their super-swift illusion."

"Our weapons are useless against their screens," reported Maya.

"Maintain fire! Increase power now to laser generators!" He was frantic.

"You haven’t changed at all, John," said Professor Victor Bergman. The old retired scientist shuffled into the room. "Shoot first and ask questions later after you’ve killed them all."

"But I’m responsible for two hundred fifty-three lives. Or is it three hundred twelve?"

"I’m not sure, Commander," answered Maya. "It changes every other week." The base shook, and everyone fell down.

"Commander! They’re firing at us!" shouted Benes.

"What do we do, John?" asked Vedeschi. He always asked hard questions like that.

"I’m not sure," said Koenig for the six thousandth time.

"The energy beams are some sort of phased energy," said Maya.

The beams struck the base and layed waste to it almost immediately. Maya saw everyone pass out from the smoke and turned into the creature she always turned into whenever the aliens were up to no good. She got out the fire extinguishers and dowsed the fires. As she was putting them away, she noticed three pillars of sparkling gold light in the corner of the room.

"Well, Jim. Most of’ em are still alive," said one figure.

"I had no choice, Bones. They opened fire on us without answering our communications," said another.

"Captain, there appears to be a survivor," said the last figure.

"I think she’s an alien," said the first speaker.

"I believe that she is capable of understanding us," said the third figure.

"Who are you?" Maya asked. She had turned back to herself.

"I’m Captain James T. Kirk of the United Space Ship Enterprise. And you?"

"I’m Science Officer Maya of Moonbase Alpha."

"I told you that this looked like our moon, Spock," said the first speaker.

"Impossible, Doctor. The earth’s moon is on the farside of the planet."

"This is the moon. Earth’s moon," argued Maya.

"Well, no time for semantics," said the first speaker. "We’ve got to get some of these people to Sickbay on the double."

"Tut, tut, Doctor. Captain, you cannot possibly do that. These people are doomed to wander in their own universe forever and ever," said the figure who had first appeared on the moon before the positional change.

"Trelayne!" Kirk’s eyes rolled upward. "What are you doing here?"

"Well, Mister Pem and I were having our Royal Hunt when he pulled out a digital wrist watch he had secreted on his person and disappeared. I was searching for him when I came across these people. I wanted to help them out, and I think I made a slight error. I tried to get them back to their Earth, but I missed. Sorry about that, Captain."

Maya was confused.

"No matter, Captain. I’ll correct it momentarily. You’d better leave, now, but if you see Pem, tell him he cheated, and he’ll pay dearly for it." Trelayne disappeared.

"Kirk to Enterprise. Scotty, Scotty save us!!"

*****

Commander John Koenig sat at his desk in his quarters. "Well, Helena, we learned a valuable lesson today. We shouldn’t shoot first," he said.

"Right. We should ask questions first."

"No, first we run a sensor scan before we open fire."

"Oh, I guess that’s logical. Now, let’s go to my room."

"You know we never do." He had yet to get into the sack with her.

"Well, I figured just this once."

He eyed her suspiciously. "Maya," he concluded. The two were always playing identity games. "The last time you and I did, I didn’t realize it was you until the hour time limit you have was up."

"You mean you and she?" asked Helena. "John!"

He smiled nervously. "Er...eh...Sorry, Helena. Just kidding. You know I love making jokes."

She took his hand as they went out the door. "Funny, that’s what Maya said about it, too," she said.

This Star Trek/Space: 1999 crossover was not intended to infringe upon any Star Trek copyrights (see our disclaimer page), nor the Space: 1999 copyrights held by ITC, BBC, Gerry Anderson, Fred Freiburger, nor upon those held by anyone else.

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